POUND THE ROUND 6 — “There’s more to women than plump cheeks; they make wonderful cooks.”

POUND THE ROUND 6



New Sensations



Directed by Mike Adriano



WHORES

Sadie West, Bridgette B., Capri Cavalli, Gracie Glam, Katie St. Ives, Angeline Ash



I’m an ass man. Like, a hundred and ten percent, or more, if that’s possible. In fact, let’s just go ahead and say that I’m 200% an ass man, meaning that I would give up the opportunity to get busy with any other body part twice in exchange for getting down and dirty with a rockin' rump once.



Further, I am in no way worried about this facet of my personality or what it might say about the way I see women. Brian Bangs, in his recent article on this subject, suggests that coming out and declaring yourself an ass man (or a tit or leg man, presumably) is tantamount to declaring that you think there is nothing else of value to the fairer sex. Mr. Bangs, of course, is not alone in this idea; it is a popular one that we could trace back through the various incarnations of feminist philosophy. Brian’s fear of limiting himself, of falling back into demonstrably prejudiced patriarchal modes of thought, derives from the same theories that tell us that advertisements featuring pictures of models from the neck up are anti-feminist in their symbolic decapitation, their division of the threatening female form into small, easily handled pieces. But Brian and his girl power pals overstate the danger here; it’s possible to love pieces of women without losing your appreciation for the whole package. I mean, I’m an ass man, and I know that there’s more to women than just their plump, delicious cheeks; they also make wonderful cooks. And they can clean, too!



Now that you’ve got some insight into the philosophic underpinnings of my gluteal obsession you will understand how excited I was about the DVD I found waiting for me on the Ribald Review desk this week: Mike Adriano’s Pound the Round P.O.V. #6 from New Sensations. Three and a half hours of big bubble butts being used and objectified? Sign me up! It’s been almost a month since the last Big Wet Asses came out and I’m jonesin through my underpants over here for someone to film a slag from behind while rearranging the junk in her trunk.



(Seriously though, all feminist baiting aside, it’s a great day when I know I’m in for a glimpse of my favorite female body part, lovingly illuminated, lubricated, and brought to my living room in blisteringly realistic HD video. It would be a better day, of course, if there was ass in my living room in blisteringly realistic, well, reality, but I’ll take what I can get. We should all remember that we’re blessed there are women in the world as happy to show off their bodies as we are to see them.)



Anyway, I was excited. And I wasn’t disappointed. The asses, err, women, in PtR P.O.V. #6 are all smoking hot, especially cover girl Sadie West's. She’s got an awesome rear end, and possibly the cutest, tiniest pussy I’ve ever seen. Seriously, the whole thing, lips and all, is the size of like a quarter. It doesn’t look like you’d be able to get a pinky in there, but somehow Adriano managed to stuff his entire veiny, bulbous self inside. And she fingers her own asshole, which is just unutterably sexy. The movie should have started with Sadie’s scene, actually, because I find huge fake tits to be something of a turn off, and the star of the first scene, Bridgette B., is something like ninety percent bosom by weight. On the other hand, Bridgette rocks a hardcore all anal fuckathon, which, as an ass man, left me drained and helpless on the floor, so I probably shouldn’t complain.



(Speaking of complaining, does anyone want to engage in a little consumer advocacy with me? There’s a fifteen second clip of Katie St. Ives in this movie (starting at approximately 11:16:40) that I really want Digital Sin to release as a screen saver. Topless jumprope. 'Nough said.)

—Maxxx Peters

THE BREAKFAST CLUB XXX — “The cheesiness is well executed.”

Joining the WHACK! Magazine staph as a contributing writer this week is newcummer Victor Collins, a pervert extraordinaire from the deepest, dirtiest dungeons of Mount Vernon, NY. And we ALL know what goes on in Mount Vernon...



THE BREAKFAST CLUB: A XXX PARODY



New Sensations



WHORES

Faye Reagan, Andy San Dimas, Samantha Ryan, Syren Sexton, Brooke Van Bouren, Tessa Taylor, Breanne Benson, Levi Cash, Sonny Hicks, Chad Alva.



In a time where production value seems a thing of the past, New Sensations's approach to parodies is somewhat unexpected. In The Breakfast Club XXX, the costumes and sets are noticeably meticulous, and the stars closely resemble the actors in the original movie.



I wonder whether director Lee Roy Myers is in the right business. The Breakfast Club XXX features comedy scenes as long as the actual sex scenes. The traditional approach to porn parodies as I know them has been minimal effort toward accuracy or quality in the brief comedy interludes, with most of the focus on the stroke scenes. At times, this film appears more interested in the comedy than the erotica, which is all well and good if you're not in it to jizz it. I, however, being an avid fapper and fan of all things splooge, was a bit disappointed to sit through plot development and dialogue.



The action, like in the original, takes place in the library on a Saturday morning, only this time they're college students, somehow convinced to stay in detention as if they were still in high school. I suppose this switch in the plot was to avoid being accused of portraying minors. We all know, of course, how strong a stand the porn industry continuously takes against the idea of encouraging sex with underage girls. Fans of the original movie that happen to be porn lovers will perhaps get the most enjoyment out of this.



In juggling the porn and the comedy, both suffer in certain aspects. Although the film has a great look, the comedy scenes don't exactly take you to a time and place that equals the original 1980s Midwest setting. Dialogue includes phrases and sayings that were not in use at the time of the original movie, although the cheesiness is well executed. The film has some great looking stars, and there are

some great closeups. However, the positions and angles are limited, and at times the shots look crowded, with several body parts obstructing the view. This is most evident in a scene including three girls on one guy.



It was an impressive effort balancing porn and comedy, although I do not foresee most viewers appreciating the extensive comedy scenes. The non-sex scenes have typically been of secondary interest to the viewer, so I'm unclear why so much effort was put forth in this direction. Perhaps Lee Roy Myers, director and co-writer, has a similar dream as Burt Reynold's Jack Horner character in

Boogie Nights. That dream is for the viewer to stay and finish watching the movie after it's masturbatory uses have been exhausted. In both cases, it looks a pipe dream.



--Victor Collins

SAVANNA’S ANAL GANGBANG/BATHMAN DAL PIANETA EROS

SAVANNA’S ANAL GANGBANG

Directed by Paul Thomas

WHORES
Savanna Samson, Claire Dames, Bridgette Jerry, Billy Glide, Mr. Pete, Danny Mountain, Tony de Stergio, Ben English, and Toni Ribas

BATHMAN DAL PIANETA EROS

Directed by Antonia D’Agostino

WHORES
A bunch of guido sluts.

You know, my parents told me that pornography was no kind of career for a nice Jewish boy from Yonkers, that no one would ever respect me if I built my life around retail pussy. But ever since I got this job (and by ‘got this job’ I mean started touching myself and blogging about it) people have really started seeing me as a sort of wise old sage figure. It’s true; they see me as an expert in all things sexual. The WHACK! inbox is constantly filling up with messages from fans with urgent questions they want to ask me. I even get approached on the street for advice. People ask all sorts of questions, questions like, “Do you believe the institution of marriage is responsible for stymieing the libido of the Western world?” and “How can I talk my girl into taking one up the shitter?” People ask me all kinds of things. But the question I hear most often is, “Maxxx, you sexy awesome beast you,” (I’m paraphrasing here; the many people who have asked me this all used, of course, slightly different wordings), “you princely figure of a man you, Maxxx, how does modern American porn compare to early eighties Italian porn?”

It’s a good question, and I’m not surprised so many of you are asking it. It’s something we’ve all asked ourselves, now and then, while taking out the trash or washing the dishes. It’s just one of those things people wonder about. And it’s not an uncontentious question either; for every porn fan whose heart sings for the crystal clear HD cameras and unbelievably sexy whores that define American smut in the early twenty-first century, there is a left-hand jockey who grooves to the grainy visuals, incomprehensible babblings, and whimsical senselessness that is the Italian skinflick in the 80s.

As a certified jizz journalist extraordinaire, I realized that it is not only my job but also my duty to settle this debate once and for all. And so I’ve arranged a little experiment. First, I convinced a pimply teenage stockboy at Best Buy to hook me up with two flat screen TVs and a couple of DVD players in exchange for one of the golf balls from Anal Acrobats (this would be the Best Buy in Union Square, and if any of you degenerates happen to work there I want half the reward if you turn Stan in). Now I’ve got the latest from Vivid, Savanna’s Anal Gangbang, on one screen, the classic Bathman dal Pianeta Eros on the other, and a fatty boombatty in the ashtray. What can I say? A wise man’s work is never done.

So how do the movies measure up? Well, the Italian movie has way better music; it sounds like a disco remix of the song from the Cantina in Mos Eisley played through the sound system on a Ferris Wheel, and watching people fuck to it is an exercise in pure sensual surreality. The Italian movie is also a lot funnier. I don’t actually have any idea what’s going on — it’s all incomprehensible Euro blather to me — but there’s slapstick comedy, pickles, crazily costumed people fucking indiscriminately, and a silver guy who looks like Data with a bat’leth glued to his forehead constantly appearing and disappearing. Funny stuff.

I’m also going to have to say that the Italians have a better story; again, I have no idea what’s going on, and the writer for Bathman was clearly no Petrarch, but any story that involves aliens, spanking, and Batman will get my vote over “Savanna has an orgy because her boyfriend wants her to.” Did I mention that the Italians have Batman in their movie? Maybe you figured that out already; maybe you read Cracked.com. He acts a bit like a fourth grader on meth, but he’s clearly Batman. I once said any porno that starts with a cumshot is sure to be a good one. Well, same thing goes for pornos that start with footage of Batman falling off a BMX bike in a cow pasture.

The sex, on the other hand, is much much better in Savanna’s Anal Gangbang; there are only three scenes, but two of them are two of the hottest gangbangs I’ve seen this year. We’re talking six-person orgies with some of the most beautifully tanned tits and ass the free world has to offer, all in the gorgeously-shot HD we expect from Vivid and Paul Thomas. Remember I said the Italian’s have better music? Well, unfortunately the people fucking in Bathman are all mustachioed Mussolinis and pasty, big-bushed Latin broads; fortunately, the music synced up pretty wall with Savanna Samson getting put through the paces by a Who’s Who of major studio mopes on the other screen.

Another way to look at this whole thing, of course, is financially. Not a sexy point of view, necessarily, but hey, this is a recession. A new Vivid flick will put you back what, forty, fifty dollars? Bathman, on the other hand, can be downloaded for free, somewhere, I'm sure. Then again, you tend to get what you pay for, in porn as in life.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that a question like this can only be answered in relative terms. Are you trying to bust a nut? Then contemporary American porn is your porn, and Savanna’s Anal Gangbang is the film for you. Are you, on the other hand, looking for footage that will amuse your hipster friends and spice up the next loft party in Williamsburg? In that case, throw that VHS of Reefer Madness away, my almost-cool friend; Roman disco porn is your porn, and Bathman dal Pianeta Eros is your new holy grail. —Maxxx Peters

THE 11TH HOLE — “Sit back and watch the Absurd-o-Meter rise.”

The whole Tiger Woods sex scandal has been way out of control for a long time, but it has, ever since porn whores started getting involved, reached a whole new level of absurdity. I recently wrote about this, in a very harsh, full-immersion satirical mode, in my article on Tiger and Devon James. Now, of course, Tiger has been implicated in sticking his celebrity phallus into the orifices of yet another porn whore named James, so sit back and watch the Absurd-o-Meter rise.

In case you missed the horny hullabaloo: First, Joslyn James releases the explicit text messages Tiger sent her while they were having their affair. This causes huge uproar. Then, as you already know if you clicked that last link, Joslyn makes a deal with the VividCeleb production team to recreate the sex alluded to in the texts. And now here I sit, The 11th Hole in the DVD player, James abasing herself on screen, my cock in my hand, my wit, vitriol, and, ahem, passion spurting out onto the page. It really is a vicious cycle.

I have to say that, conceptually at least, this is my favorite porno of all time. Or maybe of the year. Or since I reviewed Batman XXX; that was awesome. But really, I think this is a great idea. It’s sort of like taking a History Channel approach to celebrity sex scandals, which is one of those truly hilarious ideas that makes you think, ‘why didn’t I think of that?’ Someone should go back and use the testimony from the Clinton impeachment hearings to film a sequel to The 11th Hole. Then maybe they could do JFK, Eliot Spitzer, Michael Jackson… ok, so maybe that last one isn’t such a great idea. You could probably sell a shit-load of copies in Thailand though, I’m just sayin.

But what is truly unique, and ridiculous, about this particular film is that Joslyn James plays herself. Which makes sense, of course; she is a porn star, after all. Getting fucked to pieces on camera is what she does for a living, and there isn’t anyone in the world who knows better than she does what exactly Tiger meant when he said he was going to “treat [her] like a dirty little whore.” But by appearing in this movie she really makes her own motivations for releasing the text messages abundantly clear, and that doesn’t seem to cast her in the best possible light.

Here is her original explanation, in her own words and voice, for why she made the texts public. ‘So that the truth would come out.’ Now, there is no explicit statement that Tiger is a bad guy, but the implication is pretty clear: Tiger did something wrong, these texts are proof of that wrongdoing, and Joslyn James feels that it is her duty to let the public know about it. The bad thing he is guilty of is, apparently, being into some pretty hardcore stuff. It isn’t the fact that he was cheating, because that had been proven to the public long before James came forward and we were all treated to the pleasure of knowing that Tiger once said: “Then im going to tell you to shut the Fuck up while i slap your face and pull your hair for making noise.”

Personally, I don’t think there is anything wrong with being into hardcore shit. You want to slap, choke, play rough? If she wants it too, then Yeehaw! You want anal? You want golden showers? As long as everyone consents, it’s fine by me. Now, that being said, I also understand that a lot of people are not into that sort of thing, that they in fact do think that it is wrong. And those prudes are entitled to their opinions, just as they are entitled to the sticks up their asses (I’m being facetious, but really, if that’s how you feel then good for you, roll with that). So if Joslyn really thought this was terrible behavior on Tiger’s part and that the world needed to know about it, then what she was doing would have been totally legitimate.

But. She has now recreated all those situations. In graphic (extremely) detail. Quite possibly in multiple takes. And it certainly seems, to this porn reviewer, that she is enjoying the hell out of every last bit of it. This terrible behavior of Tiger’s, this behavior that the public had a right to know about and pass judgment on, this is the behavior that Joslyn went and repeated, over and over again. Which makes it really hard for me to believe that she released those texts for any reason beyond the fact that she knew she could make easy money off of Tiger’s beleaguered, cheating celebrity ass.

Don’t think I’m knocking James for viciously backstabbing and gold-digging her celebrity boyfriend; everyone does what they need to do, and I’m hardly in a position to get all holier than thou. But please, at the very least, let’s be honest about what’s going on here. Joslyn, you didn’t release those texts because you thought the public had a right to know about Tiger’s behavior; none of this was motivated by public interest or altruism. You released them because you thought that you had a right to get rich off the whole thing.

* * *

Ok, Jack and Lags just informed that this was supposed to be a review, and that I’ve derailed it and turned it into a rant about honesty, and that you, the WHACK! readers, are feeling cheated. Sorry. The movie is, as I suggested earlier, hilarious. It intersperses hardcore POV reenactments with voice over readings of the actual sexts, and the production value is great throughout. Unfortunately, the action is almost all Joslyn James, and although she’s a filthy whore and it’s pretty awesome watching her stretch her own ass out to train-tunnel proportions, I find her obnoxiously inflated fake tits to be an extreme turnoff. Kinda seems like she would have gotten Tiger to fund a better boob job. And what she lacks in the chest isn’t made up for at all in either the face or the dirty talk departments. What Vivid really should have done here was hire Jenna Haze to play Joslyn; god that chick is hot. On the other hand, a lot of people are into that whole non-bouncing, nipple-less, exaggerated superhero tittie thing, and there is plenty here for those people. —Maxxx Peters

BATMAN XXX — “I watched, I laughed, I came, I laughed some more.”

Great galloping gozangas, Batman, they’ve done it again! Yet another idyllic piece of my childhood has been transformed into a meaty, sweating pornographic extravaganza. The whole porn parody craze that has been sweeping through the industry over the past year has me feeling as if I’m seeing the world through spooge-tinted glasses; all around me I see familiar things, the world as it has always been, only with more tits and ass, more hard cock and wet pussy, more explicit hardcore penetration. In other words: the world, only a lot fucking better. It is my deeply held belief that all these porn parodies are the harbingers of not only a new Golden Age of porn, but a better world.

This time, the target of the perverted revisioners of classic Americana is the Dark Knight himself, Gotham’s caped crusader, Batman. Really, I’m surprised there aren’t more superhero porn parodies; it’s a match made in Heaven. What is the defining feature of the superhero universe? Super powers? Daredevil was just a blind gymnast! Think about it; the Hulk had a thyroid problem, the Ninja Turtles were inbred retards raised in a sewer. Superman? Uncle Sam on steroids, they’ve got a special about it in the Enquirer. No, it isn’t superpowers, and it isn’t bad guys threatening the American way, either. The defining feature of the comic hero world is, of course, the gorgeous rack. Huge gravity defying breasts are the Alpha and the Omega, man! And are these magical mountains really only the things of fantasy?

A note for the young-uns in the audience (What? Didn’t think we knew you lied at the age verification page?): this isn’t the gritty, twenty-first century Christian Bale Heath Ledger Batman; when Axel Braun set about making Batman XXX he quite wisely chose to parody the original Bam! Pow! Zap! Adam West version, stenciled on Bat-brows and all. This was a good decision because a good porn parody should be more than sexy; it should be entertaining. Today’s Batman is just too dark for pornographic humor. An x-rated parody of The Dark Knight would have to be all scenes of the Joker cutting bitches’ titties off and Bruce Wayne struggling with impotence; no fun at all. There would be no room in that movie for jokes about Catwoman’s pussy or the Riddler’s stupid dirty riddles (When is a pussy like a flower? When it has two lips!) (Yeah? Well, when are green tights not gay? Never, fag boy.) And these, my friends, these are the things a good porn parody is made of.

I pretty much always give movies good reviews (Have you noticed that? Are you paying attention? Spend money!), but I really did enjoy this film. I watched, I laughed, I came, I laughed some more, I ate popcorn, I came again and got some on the popcorn and laughed about that. Good times. I do have one note though, one point of criticism. The movie is brilliantly cast; Dale Dabone as Batman, James Deen as Robin (they had an opportunity with Robin to cast Kurt Lockwood, reaching across the orientation gap and marketing this movie to the entire porn audience, potentially making Vivid a lot of money; I’m glad they chose to stick to the straight and narrow), Lexi Belle as a very enthusiastic Batgirl. Evan Stone is as ridiculous and funny as I expected him to be as the Riddler, and Randy Spears’ Joker is brilliant. Honestly, I mean that. Randy Spears complicates the already tired and annoying debate over whether Nicholson or Ledger made a better Joker.

He’s funny, he’s creepy, he’s kind of scary, but it is here that I disagree with Axel Braun. I said earlier that porno Batman couldn’t be too dark, and I stand by that, but the Joker can not have sex like a normal person. I refuse to believe that he would. He would have weird, twisted, chuckle inducing sex, and would probably leave some pretty mangled whores in his wake. The Joker sex scene in Batman XXX is a hot, full on hardcore three way with the Joker balling two slave girl henchwhore types, great stuff, but it’s pretty straightforward. I watched a guy staple playing cards to a girl, staple them onto her breasts and thighs, while another girl ate her out, at an AVN afterparty in Vegas last year. All three of them were getting off on it like crazy, right in the middle of the place, in front of dozens of people. These weren’t porn stars, these were hangers on, losers like myself who had come to gad with the sluteratti. ‘Normal’ people do this kind of stuff; you would expect the Joker to at least be into some light bondage. —Maxxx Peters