BATMAN XXX — “I watched, I laughed, I came, I laughed some more.”

Great galloping gozangas, Batman, they’ve done it again! Yet another idyllic piece of my childhood has been transformed into a meaty, sweating pornographic extravaganza. The whole porn parody craze that has been sweeping through the industry over the past year has me feeling as if I’m seeing the world through spooge-tinted glasses; all around me I see familiar things, the world as it has always been, only with more tits and ass, more hard cock and wet pussy, more explicit hardcore penetration. In other words: the world, only a lot fucking better. It is my deeply held belief that all these porn parodies are the harbingers of not only a new Golden Age of porn, but a better world.

This time, the target of the perverted revisioners of classic Americana is the Dark Knight himself, Gotham’s caped crusader, Batman. Really, I’m surprised there aren’t more superhero porn parodies; it’s a match made in Heaven. What is the defining feature of the superhero universe? Super powers? Daredevil was just a blind gymnast! Think about it; the Hulk had a thyroid problem, the Ninja Turtles were inbred retards raised in a sewer. Superman? Uncle Sam on steroids, they’ve got a special about it in the Enquirer. No, it isn’t superpowers, and it isn’t bad guys threatening the American way, either. The defining feature of the comic hero world is, of course, the gorgeous rack. Huge gravity defying breasts are the Alpha and the Omega, man! And are these magical mountains really only the things of fantasy?

A note for the young-uns in the audience (What? Didn’t think we knew you lied at the age verification page?): this isn’t the gritty, twenty-first century Christian Bale Heath Ledger Batman; when Axel Braun set about making Batman XXX he quite wisely chose to parody the original Bam! Pow! Zap! Adam West version, stenciled on Bat-brows and all. This was a good decision because a good porn parody should be more than sexy; it should be entertaining. Today’s Batman is just too dark for pornographic humor. An x-rated parody of The Dark Knight would have to be all scenes of the Joker cutting bitches’ titties off and Bruce Wayne struggling with impotence; no fun at all. There would be no room in that movie for jokes about Catwoman’s pussy or the Riddler’s stupid dirty riddles (When is a pussy like a flower? When it has two lips!) (Yeah? Well, when are green tights not gay? Never, fag boy.) And these, my friends, these are the things a good porn parody is made of.

I pretty much always give movies good reviews (Have you noticed that? Are you paying attention? Spend money!), but I really did enjoy this film. I watched, I laughed, I came, I laughed some more, I ate popcorn, I came again and got some on the popcorn and laughed about that. Good times. I do have one note though, one point of criticism. The movie is brilliantly cast; Dale Dabone as Batman, James Deen as Robin (they had an opportunity with Robin to cast Kurt Lockwood, reaching across the orientation gap and marketing this movie to the entire porn audience, potentially making Vivid a lot of money; I’m glad they chose to stick to the straight and narrow), Lexi Belle as a very enthusiastic Batgirl. Evan Stone is as ridiculous and funny as I expected him to be as the Riddler, and Randy Spears’ Joker is brilliant. Honestly, I mean that. Randy Spears complicates the already tired and annoying debate over whether Nicholson or Ledger made a better Joker.

He’s funny, he’s creepy, he’s kind of scary, but it is here that I disagree with Axel Braun. I said earlier that porno Batman couldn’t be too dark, and I stand by that, but the Joker can not have sex like a normal person. I refuse to believe that he would. He would have weird, twisted, chuckle inducing sex, and would probably leave some pretty mangled whores in his wake. The Joker sex scene in Batman XXX is a hot, full on hardcore three way with the Joker balling two slave girl henchwhore types, great stuff, but it’s pretty straightforward. I watched a guy staple playing cards to a girl, staple them onto her breasts and thighs, while another girl ate her out, at an AVN afterparty in Vegas last year. All three of them were getting off on it like crazy, right in the middle of the place, in front of dozens of people. These weren’t porn stars, these were hangers on, losers like myself who had come to gad with the sluteratti. ‘Normal’ people do this kind of stuff; you would expect the Joker to at least be into some light bondage. —Maxxx Peters