JULY 2010!

Whoroscopes for July 2010

Predictions and advice for perverts of all signs and stripes, by our smokin’ hot psychic, Madame Simone du Boudoir!


Aries
March 21-April 19

Whores The past few months have been completely over the top in your work life, especially with the recent eclipse on June 26, starring cardinal signs Aries, Libra, Cancer, and Capricorn. Things have been moving fast and furious, and you may have gotten in over your head in a few scenes you signed up for in the heat of the moment. Most of them were fun anyway, but you may have found yourself in a bit too deep, like in that twelve-midget gangbang you did recently. I mean, midgets are one thing, but tranny midgets with strap-ons on their heads? Too much, Aries, too much. Take some time off with this month’s solar eclipse on the 11th to focus on home, family, and your own torn-up crotch. Slow down!

Mopes The month of July is shaping up to be a romance-and-relationship one for Aries porn pricks, and weirdly enough, it looks like the usually hard-headed hard-on providers will go a big softy for their significant others! Isn’t that sweet? What once was a fuck-and-run situation seems to be morphing into a more goal-oriented relationship, and Aries cocksmen will be looking for a commitment from their partners. Soft-hearted sex stars are adorable, Aries, but do remember that women don’t usually date porn guys because they want to settle down with their big boners—be prepared for her to cut and run when she realizes you don’t make nearly what you said you did and have only an eighth grade education.

Fans With Saturn in opposition to Uranus this month, now is a good time for you to get rid of old home-related items and usher in newer, more, um… modern things. Like, say, for instance, that life-size cardboard cut-out of Carrie Fisher in her Jabba the Hut outfit. You know, the one with splooge stains from decades ago all over it? Sexy, yes, but improving your living space? No. Carrie hasn’t had boobs that perky since the mid-seventies, Aries air-guitar heroes, and she’s not exactly driving lots of traffic through your bedroom. With this month’s solar eclipse focusing on moving forward with your home and family, we think it’s time to give the cardboard “wifey” the old heave-ho and try for a more, um… real version. At least get a sex doll. That’d be 3D and a step in the right direction.


Taurus
April 20-May 20

Whores Taurus twats will be feeling a need to spend some time alone this month working on a big private project, which we think is a great idea. After two big-time eclipses in less than a month, many people of many signs are feeling a little worn out, and with big plans like you’ve got for that Monster Cock All-Holes Gangbang next month, now is the time to spend some serious time getting ready. The process of readying ones orifices for violation by engorged phalluses can be trying and very un-pretty, so do it at home, alone, where you can stretch your throat out with over-sized zucchinis in peace. Good luck, Taurus, and godspeed!

Mopes Uranus, the ruler of your house of career fame, will be retrograde from early this month until December 5, which means that although new ho’s and new holes are always fun to try, now might be a good time for Taurus twat tamers to focus on further developing already existing work relationships. We hear you’ve had some great chemistry developing with some of your regularly-humped whores, and you may be able to create some of the most intensely sexy scenes of your life if you focus on these tried-and-true tricks for a few months before venturing into newer vaginas.

Fans While Uranus is retrograde during the next five months, your personal life will be trying to balance itself, and it looks like it’s getting a good start already, Taurus dweebatrons! It looks like you’ve been working on improving relations with your family, and it’s actually been working. Perhaps you’ve finally been awarded visiting rights! That would be a huge victory for a guy with as creepy a past and as long a rap sheet as you’ve got, Taurus, and we hope you don’t blow it! Remember, only chaperoned visitations are allowed, you reprehensible reprobate! Don’t rush things! Trips to the park and the carnival are a few years away yet. Nobody’s forgotten yet about the last carnival trip, with the clown and the cotton candy debacle. Take it slow.


Gemini
May 21-June 20

Whores With Mars in Virgo shining the spotlight on your home sector, this month is a great time to clean up the old home structure. So, Gemini, now’s the time for a tune-up! Get that hair did, those nails fixed up, them boobs a-lifted, that tummy tucked—the whole nine yards! It’s summer, it’s a good time to clean house, and even the stars are telling you get a few more collagen injections in those distended lips. You’ll look somewhat like a cartoon alien when you’re done, but hey, novelty sells these days, and nobody’s got the plastic look down quite like you do!

Mopes We know you’ve been wanting this for years, Gemini, but although we’ve tried to warn you against it, it looks like you’ve finally scheduled that threesome scene with your pornstar wife and that sexy young up-and-cummer. Good for you! But we’d recommend trying to either move it up to earlier this month, or push it back till mid-August, because the end of July’s opposition between Saturn and Uranus shows that you may feel like you’re being pulleded in two different directions, yet unable to fully satisfy either side. This would be, to out it mildly, a terrible time to try to fuck your wife and another woman on camera—prick problems could arise (or, not arise, if you get us), and domestic disputes could skyrocket. Remember the cardinal rule of carnal camera careers: porn bitches be crazy jealous! Be careful, Gemini!

Fans After last month’s solar eclipse and the very likely resulting financial difficulties, Gemini jack-offs like yourself may have resorted to some seriously fucked up money-making schemes. Far be it from us, dear Gemini, to criticize creative money-making schemes. I mean, shit, we’re broke as hell over here and we could really use some of your get-rich-quick credentials. But, please, do be careful. Robbing bitches you roofie at the bar after having your date-rape way with them might be a recipe for extra spending money, but it looks like more of a half-baked, one-way ticket to the slammer from where we’re sitting.


Cancer
June 21-July 22

Whores This month’s solar eclipse on July 11 will be backed up by support for Cancer cooze from Jupiter, Uranus, and Mars, and that’s excellent news! These are three big-time planets, all lining up to support your plan to move on to bigger things! In your line of work, Cancer coochie, that means you’re moving on up from the typical pornstar fuck fare to the real big boys—we’re talking Shorty Mac, Sean Michaels, Manuel Ferrara… the kings of the crazy-huge cock. We support your move, Cancer, and we think it’s about time you started banging redwood-like rods, but do take things slowly enough to avoid serious internal injury, darling, and be sure to use lots of lube.

Mopes The solar eclipse on July 11 is an excellent turning point for Cancers, because this friendly eclipse will occur in your very own sign, making it a powerful and effective time to turn over a new leaf. For many people this might mean a move or a career change, but we’re thinking for you, Cancer cocksmen, it’s time for a stage name switch! You’ve been going by a rather unimaginative moniker for a while now, and with this eclipse supporting you in every way, a change to something more imaginative might be just the impetus your career needs to launch to the top! We recommend some kind of rip-off of a sports car first name and a euphemism for “giant throbbing boner” as a last name. “Lamborghini Meatstick” sounds good to us.

Fans Cancer, don’t ask us how we know this, ok? We don’t like destroying hopes and dreams, but we’ve come upon some astrological intelligence that pertains specifically to you, and we don’t want to see you get taken for a ride. Just listen, ask no questions, and do as we say: With Jupiter and Uranus backing you up this month, your hopes for a real, live woman to fuck may be higher than ever, but it looks like the “kidnapped princess from Ukraine” who’s been sending you e-mails under a false name and asking you to fund her escape from her captors to come live with you in America… well… it’s a scam, dude. Princess Katarina isn’t a princess, she’s a big hairy Russian guy who can’t believe you’re considering wiring money to his account and is about to buy a whole shit-ton of stock in a Thai sex-trafficking company. You’ve been warned.


Leo
July 23-August 22

Whores With Mars still in Virgo, your expenses are still on the rise, but when Saturn, the taskmaster planet, leaves Virgo on the 21st of this month, you’ll finally feel a little less stress about the situation. This isn’t to say you’ll be rolling in cash, Leo lustbuckets, but you’ll feel more confident in spending it, so let the shopping spree begin! Time to get your hair and nails done, your spray tan resprayed, and all those shoes you’ve been eyeing for months! Don’t be surprised if you overdraw your account or max out your cards, or if you can’t pay all your bills this month, but who cares! You’re a porn star! It’ll work itself out! …right?

Mopes This solar eclipse on the 11th coincided with a new moon, which means this is a perfect time for Leo lads like yourself to start a whole new life, hopefully involving less crack. Yes, we know you’ve been hitting the pipe hard, Leo, and so does most of the industry. Up till now we haven’t mentioned anything because, yeah, having unlimited energy on the set is a good thing, but after a certain point, addiction starts stamping out sex scenes, and we have a feeling you’re about to plunge headlong down the path toward peddling your ass for gay tricks town if you don’t take a few weeks to detox and learn how to get a hard-on without a hit.

Fans Unlike those sad Cancer sods sending money to hairy Russian bears under false pretenses, it looks like Leo blubber-lubbers like yourself are actually looking a possibly real long-distance love-affairs this month! July 26 is looking very promising for personal news coming from abroad, where you may have met a broad on an internet chat room who may actually be into your flabby ass! Congrats, Leo! Do be aware that most of the pictures and stats in these BDSM chatrooms tend to be ten years out of date and at least ten pounds underweight, but hey, beggers can’t be chosers, and considering your last lay was longer ago than when your new love actually weighed 120 pounds, we say take what you can get.


Virgo
August 23-September 22

Whores The eclipse this month on July 11th occurred in Cancer, and lit your eleventh solar house of friends, communities, clubs, and social media. This could be a great time to harness the power of your horny tweeting, but it could also, if used unwisely, spell trouble. Look, Virgo, we know your fans love knowing exactly where you are, what you’re wearing, what you’re eating, and the state of your vagina at every moment of the day, but some of them might love it a little too much. Be careful. If you see a slovenly, overweight, Mountain-Dew chugging degenerate making a beeline for you from across the manicurist’s parking lot a few minutes after you tweet your location, and you end up in the back of a blacked-out windowed van with MY RPVN on its license plate, don’t say we didn’t warn you.

Mopes The past few months have been difficult for Virgo vagina vagrants like yourself, with Saturn pushing you along at a grueling pace, but it seems that clouds are finally beginning to clear! You’re not out of the woods yet, though: you may be having a bit of a problem with your equipment these days, but don’t worry. Hard work and discipline will have your cock ready for action soon and you’ll be proud to say you overcame (hehehe… came) such a hard (hard) situation. Seriously, all you can do is practice, practice, practice, and fuck as often as you can. Tall order? Yes. Worth it? Definitely yes.

Fans As your recent purchases of huge TVs and advanced gaming systems on an unemployment check budget has proven, you are abysmally bad with money. It’d be one thing if the honeys were packing your living room to watch romantic comedies with their heads resting on your gut, but since you’re the only one using the 74” flat panel to jerk off all day, we have a bone to pick with your spending habits. (Although, we must say, the laser hair removal from your chin-mole was a great investment.) With Saturn moving into your second house of financial management this month, however, now is the time to start learning not to devote your entire government cheese on stupid shit. Try taking a class in financial management, or hiring an advisor to help you out. Seriously. Or else you’ll end up broke and alone, and isn’t alone bad enough?


Libra
September 23-October 22

Whores This month is the beginning of something new and exciting for all Libras, and it looks like the end of the month—around July 26—will be pivotal in starting a domino effect of changes. On the 26th, Saturn and Uranus will have a squabble, and this planetary tiff will be reflected in your depraved life, as well, probably in a serious dispute between you and your deadbeat former mope of a boyfriend. He’s been living off you for a while now, and you may finally realize that your time is way too valuable to be lavished on this jealous loser! Start dating within the industry if you want less jealousy, or just go gay! Your PR could use some more lesbian intrigue, anyway.

Mopes As specific as this might sound for a Whoroscope, the eclipse on July 11 seems to have bumped a woman into a leading role in your professional life. For most people, that would mean their company’s restructuring has given them a new female boss, but for you it seems much more likely that you’re going to be starring in a few BDSM scenes where you’ll be subbing for a seriously deranged dominatrix with a fetish for cat-o-nine tails and ball gags. All we can say is, have fun, and remember that goddamn safe word!

Fans Don’t get too excited by this, Libra losers, but it appears that the weekend of July 24-25’s full moon in Aquarius will make you… alluring. To the opposite sex. We can’t really wrap our heads around what that means. I mean, an alluring porn fanboi? What would that be like? Perhaps just a dab of cologne rather than B.O. or buckets of Preferred Stock? Maybe a fashion choice that doesn’t involve full moon and panther T-shirts? Or at least no Cheesy Doodle stains on said wildlife shirt? I don’t know, but whatever it is, you seem to be working it later this month, so… You know… Work it.


Scorpio
October 23-November 21

Whores You’ve just come through an intense period of workaholism in which your career took leaps and bounds forward, Scorpio. You’ve moved up from back-alley gonzo work into a few features, and you’ve morphed from the queen of DVDA into a demure, sex-kitten DP diva. Good job! Way to show your blue blood and high class, Scorpio sluts! Now it’s time to take a load off, let your bruises and torn inner tissue heal, and do some Kegeling by the pool. Let yourself unwind and go back to hit and hump ‘em hard in August.

Mopes Huge American Cocks in Tiny Bangkok Holes? Yes, please! You’re their new star! Put on your travelling pants—or lack of pants—and grab your passport, bubs.
Travel seems to be a big theme in your chart this month, and it’s focused on commercial work, so by all means, accept that offer to star in “Monster American Members in Tiny Thai Twats #13”! You’ll get to see the world, and a whole lot of tight Asian pussy, and make a pretty penny to boot. It’s a mope’s fondest dream! Just be careful you don’t hire any tranny hookers over there—we hear bad things about the Hep C.

Fans Well, well, Scorpio sticky-fingers, look who’s finally back! It would appear, given your chart, that you swore off the self-servicing a while back and have been delaying gratifying your gut-wrenchingly disgusting habits for months, for whatever reason. We’re assuming some sort of intervention or rehab program was involved, but you seem to have come out the other side chaste and changed. Now that you’ve got your “Not A Porn Addict” diploma on the wall… time to start Whack!ing it again! Fuck yeah, Scorpio! Draw the blinds, fire up the DVD player, projector, and free sites, break out the hand lotion and toilet paper, lube up the toilet brush (we don’t judge), and have a good, long, drawn-out stroke sesh. You deserve it.


Sagittarius
November 22-December 21

Whores The past few months may have seemed like a never-ending test of your resolve to master the most difficult positions in the Kama Sutra, Sagittarius, and we salute your hard work! It’s not easy to stay up till the wee hours standing on one’s head with a dildo precariously teetering atop your sky-high slit, but you’ve kept at it. Your diligence deserves a deep drilling on camera, and Sagittarius, we think you’re ready to take your new skills out of the dark bedroom and into the bright lights of Porn Valley. Congrats, you made it, kid! Show the world “The Milk and Water Embrace” and change the porn world forever!

Mopes Saturn has been touring Virgo since September 2007 and has been putting you through the astrological paces. Happily, it will finally leave Virgo on the 21st of this month, and the rewards of the lessons it’s taught you will finally be reap-able! All that waiting in line at gangbangs and bukkakes, all the stand-by waiting in case the real cocksman didn’t show up, all the last-minute pop shots you’ve delivered when the regular talent couldn’t, all the empty bank accounts… Your time has come, Sagittarius! You’ll soon be moving out of mope territory and into the realms of real woodsmen! Just keep up the positive attitude—and your boner—and it’s free sailing through seas of sweaty pussy, full-speed ahead!

Fans The eclipse on the 11th in Cancer was a solar new moon eclipse, and it seems perfectly angled to deliver a boat load of cash to long-toiling Sagittarian suckers like yourself. We can’t see where the money will come from, but perhaps your divorce settlement—miraculously, given your history of sexual dysfunction and deep-seated psychological issues—may end up in your favor. Or perhaps the hefty investment you dumped into new sex doll technology will start paying you back dividends. Whatever the case, Sagittarius, just try to use the money for important things like housing and food—not porn. Well. Ok, maybe just a little porn. Or a moderate amount of porn. Yeah. Moderate. That’s less than 20 paysite subscriptions or DVDs. Swear it, Sag!


Capricorn
December 22-January 19

Whores Lucky for you, the eclipse on the 11th of this month was far friendlier to Capricorn cooch merchants than its twin last month on the 26th. That’s excellent news because it looks like a perfect storm of all your “suppressed” issues (we use the quotation marks because you’re about as good at hiding your psych problems as you are at keeping your legs closed) will finally come a-bubbling back up into your life, and there’s no escaping them this month. But, because of the friendly light coming from the eclipse, it’s very likely that you’ll be able to find a therapist who will do you a world of good. And by “therapist,” we mean a trained psychologist of some sort, not an even bigger dildo to keep at home. That 34 incher you got last month was quite big enough, and if it didn’t diddle the daddy issues out of you, nothing short of psychological help will.

Mopes This month’s new moon solar eclipse in Cancer on the 11th emphasized your partnerships and oppositions, which means that the crazy bitch you’re living with may just be in a position where you can talk her down from the lawsuit she’s been threatening over your attempts to bring barnyard animals into your personal sex life. Look man, we don’t judge your private, off-screen sexual habits, but you’re going to have to use a hell of a lot of creative reasoning to talk her down from this one. Luckily, the stars are on your side this month, so you’ve got a good chance. Just remember, slapping the bitch around won’t help your cause any. Rational, non-violent discussion might.

Fans Saturn is finally due to exit your ninth house of family relations on July 21, and it’s about goddamn time. They’ve been hounding you for years about your antisocial self-gratification habits, but it looks like they are about to give up and finally stop talking to you completely! Thank GOD, right? You can finally jack off all fucking day if you’re so inclined, and we say more power to you! But do be warned, with the cutting off of conversations, so will come the cutting off of financial support, so… Might wanna start looking for cashier positions at the 7-Eleven


Aquarius:
January 20-February 18

Whores Your finances have been, well, unpleasant for some time now, Aquarius, but if you can get through this month, your prospects are looking way, way up! If you can just keep your hooking rate up for a few more weeks, and get as much steady cheap-ass gonzo work as possible—and if you can keep your cooch from falling out of your body in protest to being worked over by the wangs of so many weirdos—you’ll be home free in August. Good luck!

Mopes The ninth house, where Saturn is headed at month’s end, is about meditation and reflection, and this means you may start putting in some serious work in this area. A Buddhist boner? Why not. Zen and Tantra are fascinating and could lead to some original how-to videos. A cocksman of your status and sexual stature could have a huge impact on the porn world’s take on tantra if you work this right!

Fans The eclipse on the 11th of this month was the perfect time to start a new regimen of healthy habits, Aquarian creeps, so now is the perfect time to live up to your New Year’s resolutions! You heard us: no more Mountain Dew! We wouldn’t recommend going cold-turkey, though, we hear it causes dementia and erectile dysfunction, but we’d say have it down to a two-liter a day by month’s end and you’ll be on the path toward recovery.


Pisces
February 19-March 20

Whores The July 11th eclipse could have brought you into intimate contact with a new and very special person who swept you off your feet and taken your breath away, Pisces pussies! Of course, by “swept you off your feet” we mean “drilled you in pile driver on camera,” and by “taken your breath away” we mean choked you with his cock until you passed out. Hardcore! You may have just found your soul mate!

Mopes The eclipse on the 11th was a great time for Pisces pricks’ creative endeavors to take off, so now, all we have to say is: Oh, great, another mope with another shitty garage band. We’d love to say it’s great to have more than one talent. But you’re a mope which means you have no other talent which means your band sucks. Yeah, your girlfriend told us that.

Fans At the very end of this month, Mars and Uranus will be having a hell of a fight, which will spell serious financial setbacks for you, Pisces. Be careful with your cash this month, because you don’t want to end up short when August hits. Remember, rent is due EVERY month, and you are on your landlord’s last nerve with your constant midnight trips to the 7-Eleven for more Cheetos, and your never-ending mail-order porn habit.