Everyone knows the Cold War is over. What this article presupposes is . . . maybe it isn’t?
Any of you who have paused, taken your hands off your cocks, and read the news this summer will realize that this is not as ridiculous as it sounds. A sleeper cell of Russian spies was, after all, uncovered right here in America; ten Russians who had been living in this country for more than a decade, pretending to be good all-American stock brokers and millionaire real estate agents, all while secretly planning some dastardly Red property-sharing scheme. But that’s all been cleared up, right? Presidents Obama and Medvedev worked the whole thing out over those special “will only ring in case of nuclear attack” office phones, and the CIA traded the spies we caught here at home for a bunch of counter-revolutionaries the Russians have had locked up in gulag for the last thirty years. It was all very James Bond, with secret airfields in Eastern Europe and chartered jets passing in the night and all that, but it’s over now, right?
Wrong. There are still questions to be answered, the most pressing of which is, of course, why did the Russians include a whore in their sleeper cell? Anna Chapman just doesn’t make any sense; her presence on the KGB spy team violates all the basic principles of Russian covert organization, principles firmly established and understood by the entire global espionage/terrorism community since 1988.
Every team of covert Russian agents contains the following, and only the following, key figures: 1) the smooth talking comrade in charge, who speaks English without an accent and doesn’t actually seem Russian at all; 2) the hulking comrade enforcer, who gets his hair cut at Fabio’s salon and provides all the authentic Ruski flavor the crew needs while secretly pining for the day when he is finished killing American pigdogs and can return to his true loves, Shakespeare and the stage; and 3) the politically correct and oh so very Russian comrade technical expert.
This organization worked for the Russians through an extensive and surprisingly entertaining series of sequels; why would they change it now? No, Anna Chapman’s presence is proof that there is something else going on here, something that runs far deeper and is more insidious than your average international intrigue.
The government, of course, isn’t asking any questions; Obama seems to want to sweep this whole thing under the rug, which isn’t surprising. When has the government ever wanted the people to know the truth? Fortunately for lovers of honest, unbiased journalism everywhere, I, Maxxx Peters, am on the job. The truth is out there, and I swore to myself when I took this job that I wouldn’t rest until I found it.
* * *
After three quarters of an hour or so of back-breaking investigative research, I uncovered the following top-secret information, suppressed for years by both the American and Russian governments and previously available to only the most select circles of CIA and KGB insiders. I make it available to the public here for the first time: the Russians are working to develop technology that will allow them to match or even rival America in the area of artificial sexual stimulation. That’s right people; they’re trying to close the dildo gap.
Suddenly it all makes sense; Anna Chapman’s inclusion in the sleeper cell, her bizarrely explicit Facebook photos, everything. She was sent to this country by her Red masters to steal America’s most valuable sex toy secrets and smuggle them out of the country as only a whore can; hidden in her voluminous ‘secret spy compartment.’ No one but a seasoned moral degenerate could have pulled off such a daring and lube-intensive secret mission; let us all be thankful that, rather than doing his job, some FBI lackey was cruising FB for jerk off material and stumbled across Chapman’s evil plot. Had she succeeded, who knows what damage might have been done? The Russians could easily have sold the Magic Wand, the Spingasm, or even the mighty Rabbit to rebels in Afghanistan; and then where would we be?
But you are wondering what the point is. Hasn’t Chapman already been deported? Hasn’t her scheme been foiled? Is the world not safe from sexually liberated suicide bombers? Well, yes, yes, and maybe (sexy terrorism is always a threat). But there is yet another chapter to this sordid story: Steve Hirsch has offered Chapman a feature deal shooting for Vivid.
Now, Hirsch is a big man in the American smut industry; clearly, he would have been high on Chapman’s list of targets, back before the FBI got wind of her. So what is the boss of the Vivid sex empire up to? Is he cleverly and patriotically trying to steal away the Russian’s top sex agent? Or is he consorting in despicably degenerate ways with the Communist enemy?
What do you think?
Remember, if you have any information whatsoever about any of this, it is your patriotic duty to report it here, through the very secure and Obama administration-approved WHACK! comment forum. God bless America, Joe McCarthy, and glorious democratic pornography. —Maxxx Peters
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