HOMEGROWN VIDEO’S COUPLE OF THE MONTH AWARD — “Pure, unadorned, filthy, disgusting, never-as-sexy-as-the-movies reality.”

You know, WHACK! readers, as much as I sometimes loathe my job as a jizz journalist, reviewing endless hours of fuck films, searching out the most sordid of stories, and interviewing hundreds of stars of the blue film biz, I do have to stop and thank my lucky stars sometimes that I don’t work for Homegrown Video. I mean, having to use and review sex toys once a month and come up with creative euphemisms for cum at every turn isn’t always easy, but sweet dear Jesus on a cross, am I glad I’m not a reviewer for Homegrown’s Video’s Couple of the Month award.

Somewhere, hopefully deep in a basement and heavily dosed with Xanax or marijuana, there is some poor sod (or maybe several—who knows how many aspiring sex cinema stars are out there recording their randy reamings) very likely chained to a chair with his eyes held open by toothpicks, a la Clockwork Orange, being forced not only to watch hundreds of hours of amateur “pornography,” but once the ordeal is over, this poor, pathetic former-onanist-turned-celibate must remember enough details from enough of these sad excuses for films to pick a winning “Couple of the Month” from among the piles of puerile porn. This winning couple — winning only because they lost out in the gene pool competition for “attractive enough to make a legal living fucking on camera” — will be awarded not only the hefty sum of $1,000 smackers for their sinful cinema, but will be featured, joy of joys, on a Homegrown Video amateur DVD.

Lest ye forget, dearest reader, amateur pornography of the “home grown” variety has no professional lighting nor makeup. There is no editing to mask loss of hard-ons, no music to mask the quiet symphony of the queef. There is only reality: pure, unadorned, filthy, disgusting, never-as-sexy-as-the-movies reality.

Now, far be it from me to pass judgment on amateur couples whose wallets don’t allow for implants or tummy tucks and whose genetics didn’t see fit to bestow upon them bouncy, bountiful breasts or delightfully distended, dignified dicks. I’m certainly not porn material myself, with my little boobs, skinny arms, and blindness-inducingly pale skin, so I’ve got no room to make fun of amateur porn star wannabes. But hell, that’s the whole point: I would never have the balls to put my own less-than-amazing sex skills on camera for the world to see for a measly grand. I mean, for a smut scribe like myself, a thousand bucks is like winning the loser lotto, but I still would never be brave enough to bare my ass in front of possibly hundreds (let’s not overestimate Homegrown’s audience here) of people — or just that one sad, sick degenerate in Homegrown Video’s basement — in the hopes of winning it.

So, really, I can do nothing but commend those who do have the testicular fortitude to not only film their flabby fucking, pimpled pussies, and sagging sacks, but then send it off for someone else to watch. In fact, that’s why I’m writing this article: I think that the more of our disgusting, distended-bellied readers who see fit to fornicate on film and force someone at Homegrown to watch it, the better. After all, it’s a whole new world for the less-than-attractive among us: obesity-awareness campaigns are reminding us daily that fat folks are people, too. The small-of-dick are no longer mocked in every circle, as many women insist (I have no idea why) that “size isn’t everything” (it is). Premature ejaculation is even going the way of standard erectile dysfunction, as new drugs are being developed to help sufferers of speedy spew. There’s almost nothing to hide anymore, so why not send your badly-lit, five-minute fuck-fest featuring your mole-ridden muff and hairy, unbleached asshole to Homegrown? I’m sure that poor fuck in the basement will… appreciate… your offering.

Sure, you may never be the next Jenna Haze or James Deen. You may never be able to have athletic sex for more than seconds at a time, and you may never get a woman’s eyes to literally bulge out from the sheer force of your fabulously oversized fuck stick. But if you like filming your less-than-spectacular sexual prowess and always thought that nobody would ever watch your hard work paying off all over some poor hooker’s face, now is your chance, you sad, sick fuck! Your day has come — that long-suffering man in Homegrown’s basement is just waiting, eyes stretched open as some kind of sadistic punishment for a lifetime of ultraviolence, for your load to be blown. —Miss Lagsalot

Homegrown Video Couple of the Month submission guidelines available