SAVANNA’S ANAL GANGBANG/BATHMAN DAL PIANETA EROS

SAVANNA’S ANAL GANGBANG

Directed by Paul Thomas

WHORES
Savanna Samson, Claire Dames, Bridgette Jerry, Billy Glide, Mr. Pete, Danny Mountain, Tony de Stergio, Ben English, and Toni Ribas

BATHMAN DAL PIANETA EROS

Directed by Antonia D’Agostino

WHORES
A bunch of guido sluts.

You know, my parents told me that pornography was no kind of career for a nice Jewish boy from Yonkers, that no one would ever respect me if I built my life around retail pussy. But ever since I got this job (and by ‘got this job’ I mean started touching myself and blogging about it) people have really started seeing me as a sort of wise old sage figure. It’s true; they see me as an expert in all things sexual. The WHACK! inbox is constantly filling up with messages from fans with urgent questions they want to ask me. I even get approached on the street for advice. People ask all sorts of questions, questions like, “Do you believe the institution of marriage is responsible for stymieing the libido of the Western world?” and “How can I talk my girl into taking one up the shitter?” People ask me all kinds of things. But the question I hear most often is, “Maxxx, you sexy awesome beast you,” (I’m paraphrasing here; the many people who have asked me this all used, of course, slightly different wordings), “you princely figure of a man you, Maxxx, how does modern American porn compare to early eighties Italian porn?”

It’s a good question, and I’m not surprised so many of you are asking it. It’s something we’ve all asked ourselves, now and then, while taking out the trash or washing the dishes. It’s just one of those things people wonder about. And it’s not an uncontentious question either; for every porn fan whose heart sings for the crystal clear HD cameras and unbelievably sexy whores that define American smut in the early twenty-first century, there is a left-hand jockey who grooves to the grainy visuals, incomprehensible babblings, and whimsical senselessness that is the Italian skinflick in the 80s.

As a certified jizz journalist extraordinaire, I realized that it is not only my job but also my duty to settle this debate once and for all. And so I’ve arranged a little experiment. First, I convinced a pimply teenage stockboy at Best Buy to hook me up with two flat screen TVs and a couple of DVD players in exchange for one of the golf balls from Anal Acrobats (this would be the Best Buy in Union Square, and if any of you degenerates happen to work there I want half the reward if you turn Stan in). Now I’ve got the latest from Vivid, Savanna’s Anal Gangbang, on one screen, the classic Bathman dal Pianeta Eros on the other, and a fatty boombatty in the ashtray. What can I say? A wise man’s work is never done.

So how do the movies measure up? Well, the Italian movie has way better music; it sounds like a disco remix of the song from the Cantina in Mos Eisley played through the sound system on a Ferris Wheel, and watching people fuck to it is an exercise in pure sensual surreality. The Italian movie is also a lot funnier. I don’t actually have any idea what’s going on — it’s all incomprehensible Euro blather to me — but there’s slapstick comedy, pickles, crazily costumed people fucking indiscriminately, and a silver guy who looks like Data with a bat’leth glued to his forehead constantly appearing and disappearing. Funny stuff.

I’m also going to have to say that the Italians have a better story; again, I have no idea what’s going on, and the writer for Bathman was clearly no Petrarch, but any story that involves aliens, spanking, and Batman will get my vote over “Savanna has an orgy because her boyfriend wants her to.” Did I mention that the Italians have Batman in their movie? Maybe you figured that out already; maybe you read Cracked.com. He acts a bit like a fourth grader on meth, but he’s clearly Batman. I once said any porno that starts with a cumshot is sure to be a good one. Well, same thing goes for pornos that start with footage of Batman falling off a BMX bike in a cow pasture.

The sex, on the other hand, is much much better in Savanna’s Anal Gangbang; there are only three scenes, but two of them are two of the hottest gangbangs I’ve seen this year. We’re talking six-person orgies with some of the most beautifully tanned tits and ass the free world has to offer, all in the gorgeously-shot HD we expect from Vivid and Paul Thomas. Remember I said the Italian’s have better music? Well, unfortunately the people fucking in Bathman are all mustachioed Mussolinis and pasty, big-bushed Latin broads; fortunately, the music synced up pretty wall with Savanna Samson getting put through the paces by a Who’s Who of major studio mopes on the other screen.

Another way to look at this whole thing, of course, is financially. Not a sexy point of view, necessarily, but hey, this is a recession. A new Vivid flick will put you back what, forty, fifty dollars? Bathman, on the other hand, can be downloaded for free, somewhere, I'm sure. Then again, you tend to get what you pay for, in porn as in life.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that a question like this can only be answered in relative terms. Are you trying to bust a nut? Then contemporary American porn is your porn, and Savanna’s Anal Gangbang is the film for you. Are you, on the other hand, looking for footage that will amuse your hipster friends and spice up the next loft party in Williamsburg? In that case, throw that VHS of Reefer Madness away, my almost-cool friend; Roman disco porn is your porn, and Bathman dal Pianeta Eros is your new holy grail. —Maxxx Peters