THE 11TH HOLE — “Sit back and watch the Absurd-o-Meter rise.”

The whole Tiger Woods sex scandal has been way out of control for a long time, but it has, ever since porn whores started getting involved, reached a whole new level of absurdity. I recently wrote about this, in a very harsh, full-immersion satirical mode, in my article on Tiger and Devon James. Now, of course, Tiger has been implicated in sticking his celebrity phallus into the orifices of yet another porn whore named James, so sit back and watch the Absurd-o-Meter rise.

In case you missed the horny hullabaloo: First, Joslyn James releases the explicit text messages Tiger sent her while they were having their affair. This causes huge uproar. Then, as you already know if you clicked that last link, Joslyn makes a deal with the VividCeleb production team to recreate the sex alluded to in the texts. And now here I sit, The 11th Hole in the DVD player, James abasing herself on screen, my cock in my hand, my wit, vitriol, and, ahem, passion spurting out onto the page. It really is a vicious cycle.

I have to say that, conceptually at least, this is my favorite porno of all time. Or maybe of the year. Or since I reviewed Batman XXX; that was awesome. But really, I think this is a great idea. It’s sort of like taking a History Channel approach to celebrity sex scandals, which is one of those truly hilarious ideas that makes you think, ‘why didn’t I think of that?’ Someone should go back and use the testimony from the Clinton impeachment hearings to film a sequel to The 11th Hole. Then maybe they could do JFK, Eliot Spitzer, Michael Jackson… ok, so maybe that last one isn’t such a great idea. You could probably sell a shit-load of copies in Thailand though, I’m just sayin.

But what is truly unique, and ridiculous, about this particular film is that Joslyn James plays herself. Which makes sense, of course; she is a porn star, after all. Getting fucked to pieces on camera is what she does for a living, and there isn’t anyone in the world who knows better than she does what exactly Tiger meant when he said he was going to “treat [her] like a dirty little whore.” But by appearing in this movie she really makes her own motivations for releasing the text messages abundantly clear, and that doesn’t seem to cast her in the best possible light.

Here is her original explanation, in her own words and voice, for why she made the texts public. ‘So that the truth would come out.’ Now, there is no explicit statement that Tiger is a bad guy, but the implication is pretty clear: Tiger did something wrong, these texts are proof of that wrongdoing, and Joslyn James feels that it is her duty to let the public know about it. The bad thing he is guilty of is, apparently, being into some pretty hardcore stuff. It isn’t the fact that he was cheating, because that had been proven to the public long before James came forward and we were all treated to the pleasure of knowing that Tiger once said: “Then im going to tell you to shut the Fuck up while i slap your face and pull your hair for making noise.”

Personally, I don’t think there is anything wrong with being into hardcore shit. You want to slap, choke, play rough? If she wants it too, then Yeehaw! You want anal? You want golden showers? As long as everyone consents, it’s fine by me. Now, that being said, I also understand that a lot of people are not into that sort of thing, that they in fact do think that it is wrong. And those prudes are entitled to their opinions, just as they are entitled to the sticks up their asses (I’m being facetious, but really, if that’s how you feel then good for you, roll with that). So if Joslyn really thought this was terrible behavior on Tiger’s part and that the world needed to know about it, then what she was doing would have been totally legitimate.

But. She has now recreated all those situations. In graphic (extremely) detail. Quite possibly in multiple takes. And it certainly seems, to this porn reviewer, that she is enjoying the hell out of every last bit of it. This terrible behavior of Tiger’s, this behavior that the public had a right to know about and pass judgment on, this is the behavior that Joslyn went and repeated, over and over again. Which makes it really hard for me to believe that she released those texts for any reason beyond the fact that she knew she could make easy money off of Tiger’s beleaguered, cheating celebrity ass.

Don’t think I’m knocking James for viciously backstabbing and gold-digging her celebrity boyfriend; everyone does what they need to do, and I’m hardly in a position to get all holier than thou. But please, at the very least, let’s be honest about what’s going on here. Joslyn, you didn’t release those texts because you thought the public had a right to know about Tiger’s behavior; none of this was motivated by public interest or altruism. You released them because you thought that you had a right to get rich off the whole thing.

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Ok, Jack and Lags just informed that this was supposed to be a review, and that I’ve derailed it and turned it into a rant about honesty, and that you, the WHACK! readers, are feeling cheated. Sorry. The movie is, as I suggested earlier, hilarious. It intersperses hardcore POV reenactments with voice over readings of the actual sexts, and the production value is great throughout. Unfortunately, the action is almost all Joslyn James, and although she’s a filthy whore and it’s pretty awesome watching her stretch her own ass out to train-tunnel proportions, I find her obnoxiously inflated fake tits to be an extreme turnoff. Kinda seems like she would have gotten Tiger to fund a better boob job. And what she lacks in the chest isn’t made up for at all in either the face or the dirty talk departments. What Vivid really should have done here was hire Jenna Haze to play Joslyn; god that chick is hot. On the other hand, a lot of people are into that whole non-bouncing, nipple-less, exaggerated superhero tittie thing, and there is plenty here for those people. —Maxxx Peters